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Fifty Ways to Leave the Party

from The Album of Christmases Past by Once in a Moon



Written for and performed at the Christmas Huzzah at the Red Gate Gallery, London on 19th December 2010. Written mostly on the night of the 18th December. Requested by SHSC. Inspired by me moving house to avoid my office christmas party. Tintinnabulation is the ringing of bells and is a new word what I learned.


On a rainy Thursday evening when you’ve worked all through the day
And all you’re looking forward to is home and takeaway
Your boss has said tonight’s the night for letting your hair down
And now you are expected to join a night out on the town
But who wants to go to the office Christmas party?
Where everyone dresses up and pretends to be tarty
I’d rather take up extreme naturist karate
There must be 50 ways to leave the party
You could tell them you need to go to see some relation
You need to be home to feed your lonely Dalmatian
Your ears are allergic to strong vibration
Say that there is no way to get transportation
You could say you’ve booked a flight to a far off location
Party animal isn’t part of your occupation
Claim diarrhoea or maybe constipation
Or even the effects of a surprise amputation
Say you’re not done with rehabilitation
Mandatory Christmas is racial discrimination
You shouldn’t be out after hours for their preservation
Due to your problem with public defecation
You need to finish a tricky incantation
The press could interfere with your ordination
You’ll instead donate your drinks to an African nation
You’re busy finding slaves for your granddad’s plantation
Your wife said if you were late it would be castration
You’re currently enjoying voluntary starvation
Say your legs are covered with an insect infestation
Provide them with the necessary documentation
Say you disagree with the venue’s elevation
Or that you’ve heard the whole place needs a thorough fumigation
You need to get to hospital in time for your sedation
Go into a trance of extreme yogic meditation
Be discovered in the throes of auto erotic asphyxiation
Tell them that your babysitter’s given cancellation
Worry about the levels of polonium radiation
Let slip of some fiendish fictitious deviation
Tell them that you lack the necessary qualification
Ask them if they’ve considered every possible ramification
Parties tend to bring about your unwelcome lactation
Hide inside the ducts they use for office ventilation
You must be at home to help in natural procreation
Accidentally misconstrue the party location
You must cause the seasonal tintinnabulation
Fake a news report of nuclear annihilation
Tell them you’ll be there but only as misinformation
Denounce alcohol as being an abomination
Dress in black and claim you’ve an important assassination
If all else fails consider maybe Swedish emigration
Turn your face bright blue by refusing exhalation
When the clock strikes five perform self defenestration
You’ve lovefilmed every doctor who with a regeneration
Punch your boss quite hard in your obvious vexation
Let’s face it you can’t take the utter humiliation
As everybody knows you suffer excessive perspiration
Would you like to see my power point presentation
Containing more ideas for just this situation?
And if you’re sitting there still in utter desperation
Come up with something better from your imagination
Tell them the most elaborate explanation
Anything to distract from the coming detonation
Fifty on one rhyme leaves me thinking I’m a smarty
Oh who wants to go to the office Christmas party


from The Album of Christmases Past, released December 19, 2010
Music, lyrics, vocals and excessive autoharp all Robert Wells.




Once in a Moon UK

Robert Wells is a dabbler and a potterer residing in South London. This started as a challenge to write a new song every month (hence the name). He is also an actor, artist, technician and librarian.

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